Hey man sorry I got all grabby
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
