I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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