I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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