; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Your dad touched me again.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
