Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
