I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
