M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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