I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
