I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
