are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
