My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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