It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My vagina just clenched in fear
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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