I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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