yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
