bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
