Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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