now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
