Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
only you would photoshop your dick
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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