OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
