and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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