i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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