C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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