Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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