there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
