My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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