After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
