I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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