just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He kissed a someone with a penis
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
