Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
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Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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