I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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