Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
