don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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