Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
