i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
