peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
