How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Drunk is a universal language darling
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
