dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
