There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
