3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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