Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was confusing and full of hummus
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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