How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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