i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
