I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
