So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
