I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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