Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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