I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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