My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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