he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
