i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
