Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
