genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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