Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
