there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
