Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
